GRRRRR!

So, another two weeks has gone by. Still too busy at work, still not getting anything accomplished around home, still fighting with Anna. Did I

mention that one? maybe I didn't.

After two years of being smoke free, she's started again. I'm not happy about it, really not happy about it.So I won't let her smoke in the house,

near the house, or in the car, so she spends all day at the neighbor's house, leaving the kids alone. Which makes me more upset, the kids freak out,

and it just gets worse from there. How did this happen?

So now she avoids me because if I smell the smoke on her I can't stand it. Hypocritical, you say, since I used to smoke I should accept that it's

hard not to? Maybe, but guess what, it's still a habit that will kill you. She's already developed a cronic cough. She can't laugh without it ending

in a coughing fit. Am I to just sit by and watch her die? Like I did my father? My grandmother? Not going to happen. If she won't accept my position,

then I'm not going to sit around and watch her kill herself.

Don't be so pig headed you say? What would Jesus do, you say? Would a Christian man leave his wife over this, you say? I say 'knock knock', 'whose

there', 'go f*** yourselves'. Sin is sin, as a CHRISTIAN WOMAN she should be honoring her God by controling her desires. I desire to go out drinking

and have sex all night. Do I do that? No. Why? Why not? if she won't control her addictions, why should I control mine? Why are hers harmless? She's

basically stealing money, and time, to indulge in this habit, should I let her continue? We don't even have milk in the house, but she has

cigarettes.

Kentucky Fried Me

Things have been a blur lately. We had to change our plans, inventory came up (a disaster!) and now we're gearing up for a sale set this weekend.

I'm fried.

I've had the last two days off, but unfortunately they haven't been very restful. The house was wrecked, the kids are a mess and Anna is trying to

recover from VBS last week.

How did we get to this point? I don't know, but this in itself is draining. We need a break, a real break. We need some time to get away and be

quiet somewhere. To reconnect with God. I love my life, but I'm so tired. I need a recharge.

We've decided to put the older kids back in public school. By thier choice, and in thier words they want to "make a difference" and "share what

we've learned". Our mission in homeschooling them was to teach them what the public school wouldn't, the reality of God, the way the world really

works, and who Jesus is, what He's done, and what that means. If they are ready to go to "all the world and make disciples", then we've accomplished

that mission. I'm a little worried about where they are thier course work. Not that they are behind, but that they are so far ahead that they will be

bored. Especially Derek, he's so easily distracted and so easily becomes the distracation. I know they will tell us he's ADD. I know he's not, he just

sees things different.

On the subject of school, Tasha has decided to go to Bible college. She has her heart set on one in Nebraska, but we haven't really started

applying or checking them out. She wants to work with youth and maybe eventually in the mission field. I don't know if she knows what she's getting

into, but I guess that's what college is all about.

About work, again

Well, we had to cancel our vacation plans. We were really hoping to get back to the midwest. Doesn't look like that's going to happen. I've had two

people quit in the last 24 hours. I have someone who I will be bringing on staff, but can't do it fast enough to cover for everyone. I think it will

be better when it's all said and done, but the stress is getting there.

Do I talk to much about work? I really love my job, but it is a lot of stress. They did change my hours, though. I don't have to work as much. I go

in later and and come home earlier. That's a good thing, I guess.

Been reading a really good book. It's called "Generation Ex". It's written for adult children of divorce. It's really helping me understand a lot

of things.... Things that I didn't even realize that I was doing, behaviors and personality traits that I didn't even realize I had, much less knew

why I had them. I forgave my father a long time ago, but I haven't forgiven his new family for taking him away. Even after I tried to reconnect with

him, there was always this wedge - and his new family just kept driving it deeper until he felt like I had deserted him. It wasn't on my end. Now he's

gone and I can't tell him that I see it clearly now. Why do I keep myself to distant from others? Why do I prefer to be alone, even though I'm married

with a large family? Why is it easier to talk to an impersonal computer screen than on the phone or in person? Because that's the reality I created

for myself when my true reality became unstable. Even though it's been more than 20 years, there's still a part of me that's grieving the death of my

family, the loss of my home, and the lack of "normalness" that we never really had anyway.

In the book, the author talks about redefining family and home. My true home is Heaven. My real family is God's Family (though I still need to take

care not to isolate myself from my earthly family). So, here I am, 36 and screwed up - let myself be screwed up - but I understand what it is that's

screwed up. Maybe there's something in there that I can use to talk with my brother. As much as I am messed up, I always had some faith to keep me

relatively sane. Lee, however, never had that. While he needs to take some responsibility for what he's become, he needs to look inside and understand

what's made him the way he is. He needs to find forgiveness, for himself and for others. He needs to see that he's repeating the pattern in his own

life and his own kids. He doesn't know he's doing it.