Can I get serious for a moment? Can I just vent for a while? Whine and complain and get this off my chest without anyone jumping my case? Good. (The views expressed in this blog entry are not necessarily those of my wife, kids, and other family members. Those offended by this blog entry should realize that a) I'm just venting b) this is just a blog and c)I'll probably go back and edit this entry later and change it all anyway.)
I'm really to a point where I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I'm exhausted, I go to bed tired, wake up more tired and just have to keep moving. The kids are out of control, work is even more out of control, and everyone just keeps demanding more and more of me and my time.
Please help. I am completely burned out but can't do anything for myself other than keep moving. I tried to take some time off this week, since I really won't get any at all over the next 12 weeks, but that's proved more stressful than working. So here it is, Friday, and all I want to do is run away.
Some of you are probably saying "quit whining, be a man, accept it and take care of your family", to you I say... well, I'm not even going to tell you want I want to say. You're not me, you're not dealing with the people I'm dealing with, you're not dealing with the kids I'm dealing with, until you fully understand what I'm going through, then shut up. If you don't want to come along side me and understand, then just let me vent.
And that's the root of it. I don't have anyone on my side. I have no friends, I have no hobbies, all I have is work and it just keeps taking and taking. Something's got to give and I'm afraid it's going to be my sanity.
My wife tells me I'm depressed. That's probably true. It's that time of year that I usually have to deal with this. Some of you will say "just choose to be in a good mood", "just think happy thoughts". Let me tell you right now, if you are talking to someone who is suffering from clinical depression (a MEDICAL condition, not just "the blues" or "feeling down") that is the worst, most insensitive thing you can say. Someone who is depressed is UNABLE to "get over it" and "think happy thoughts".
So my medical condition is making things seem worse than they really are? Yea, probably. But do you care? Do you?
"What about your faith?" you might ask. Well, what about it? Should I engage in some pollyanna-ism and just pretend that everything is OK because Jesus loves me, this I know? Where does that get me? Christians have issues too. There comes a point where faith isn't enough. Faith doesn't take away the pain. Does that mean faith doesn't matter? No, not at all. Faith means theres a reason for this, but I don't have to like it. What about your faith? Why aren't you doing something to help me?
My wife and I have been talking a lot about moving back home. The job I have here, I can do anywhere, it's just retail. The problem is, we need a reason and the liquid assests to pack everything and go. Unless a job falls in my lap or some family issue demands that we move, it's probably not going to happen soon. But we have been talking about it. Things were just easier there. Maybe it was because that's where family is, maybe it was just a quieter pace of life, maybe it's just this fantasy we've built up in our heads. But we keep talking about it.
So, that's it. Close the vents, pressure's off. Later...
