#NotOneMore

I am devoting all my blogs to angry rants in response to yet another child being killed by yet another gun in yet another school.

I love my kids. I want to keep them safe. I know that in a perfect world I could, but it's not a perfect world. I know that even in ideal situations there are not guarantees that my kids will be safe. But in the last 18 months there have been no less than 74 shootings in schools or on college campuses in the united states. 74 since 26 children were gunned down at a grade school in New Jersey.

And yet we go on and on and on in protecting the rights of gun owners over the lives of our own children.

This has to stop.

I do not want my kids and grand kids to live in a world where they see that the Second Amendment is more important than them. This has become so far out of hand that it literally sickens me.

If I had my way all guns would be piled up and burned. Send out the national guard with tanks, go door to door, and just take them.

But it's not up to me.

This is the real world, and like Pandora's box, the demons have been let out. We can't put them back.

But we can make them cause less heartache.

The second amendment has been used and abused. It's out of date and honestly doesn't apply anymore. There are other rights in the Bill of Rights that are far more regulated than the second. Freedom of speech for example, no one balks that there are times and places you can't say certain things, and even when you can you need a permit or a license. But background checks to buy a gun? Blasphemy!

How stupid is that?

No more dead kids. #NotOneMore

I encourage you to write every legislator you can, local, state, and federal, and demand to know what they are doing to put an end to gun violence in schools. And don't take any political rant as an answer. More guns aren't the answer. Armed teachers aren't the answer. Education is not the answer. Only real painful consequences to gun owners whose guns are used to kill. And real, painful effort into making sure only the 'right' people get guns (background checks, registration, licensing, taxing, testing - all the same things we do to own a car).

I am. Starting with the school board.

Jon & Kate plus 8, Octomom and others who think they "deserve" it.

Or

Raising a family of 10 on less than $3000 per year per person.

Normally, I would put a rant like this on my other blog, saving this one for news about the kids, cute pictures, things like that. But today I've blown a fuse and I've had enough. If I hear one more thing about "The Goslins" or "Ocotomom" and their multi-million dollar reality TV deals (and worse, their whining about how they couldn't survive without it) then I'm going postal.

I have a large family. There are quite a few of us out there that do. There are a very small percentage of us are insane enough to take fertility treatments to have large multiple births - they are the crazy ones, the fringe. The rest of us may or may not have planned to have large families but we do. In our case, we didn't plan. Mind you, none of our kids are unwanted, but we never set out saying "let's have 8 kids and no money". There are others that criticize us for being irresponsible, for overpopulating the world, for using more than our share and so on. And there's something to be said for that. But in our case, even with preventative measures in place, God exercised his sense of humor and blessed us with a large family.

We've always struggled - well, struggle isn't really the right word, maybe "manage" - we've always managed on a fairly small income relative to how many of us there are. Except for a brief time (pre-9/11/01) when the economy was soaring and I was able to secure a computer programming position, we've always ALWAYS lived on about $3000 a year per person. And not just survived, but we've managed to have some luxuries. We've had to ask for help from time to time, sometimes getting by on a prayer and the kindness of others, but we've never gone around with our hand out, demanding from others what we didn't truly deserve.

Enter reality TV.

We don't have cable or satellite TV. That's one thing we do without. Partially out of financial frugality, but mostly because we honestly feel it's not worth it. The cost to our family from the amount of garbage that would be streaming in far outweighs any benefit. Because we only get like three channels, I have never seen Jon & Kate Plus 8 or any of the other reality shows that are out there about large families. But I've heard about them. Too much. In our entertainment saturated society, the break up of Jon and Kate made NATIONAL news. As did reports that Nadya Suleman, known as the "Octomom" was being offered a multi-million dollar reality show. Then came the reports that both shows were in jeapardy. Jon and Kate's show because they broke up and Octomom's show because nobody really cares. THEN came the outcry from both of them whining because "how are we going to take care of our kids!" Seriously. Google them, you can follow the whole shebang of both stories.

I have 8 kids. I know many others who have large families as well, and none of us walk around like the world owes us. One of my good friends from Colorado has 6 kids and they run a pretty successful carpet cleaning business. One of my friends from down here has 5 kids, she doesn't do as well, but she does what she has to to get by. Those of you who follow my blogs know that I am disabled (hopefully not forever) and we survive on disability insurance while my wife goes back to school to make a better life for us in the near future.

$3000 a year per person. Except for a brief time when we lived in Colorado and spent way too much on a rented townhouse, we've always gotten by on that. (Coincidentally, if take out that house payment we got by on about that during that time too!) Never have we felt like we DESERVED more. Never did we go around with our hands out saying "look at us, there's so many of us, we need more more more just to survive!" Yes, we've accepted help when it was offered. Yes, we've made use of public assistance programs that are available, but never, ever did we stomp our feet, clench our fists, and demand that the world take care of us, like just because we have a lot of kids we were somehow more deserving than the rest of the world.

I don't understand the mentality of these reality show "stars". What did they do before they had TV shows? What did they do for money? I'll tell you what they did. They did what the rest of us do: WORK and GET BY WITH LESS. Yes, it can be done, and done comfortably. Sure we go to a lot of garage sales and buy some of our clothes from the Dollar Store. We don't have a big screen TV (but the one in the living room is big enough!), we don't have an Xbox (but we do have a Wii!) we don't have cable or satellite (but we do have Netflix!) we don't order pizza a lot (but we do get take and bake!) we don't go to McDonald's or Sonic very much (but we make some awesome bacon cheeseburgers here at home!) but guess what? We are healthy, comfortable, and happy.

So let's do these reality "stars" a favor and boycott their shows. They will be much happier living in the real world and earning a living like those of us who live in the REAL reality.

health update

So, according to my neurologist yesterday, I'm not alone. There are others that are coming to light that have my exact symptoms, but they don't know what it is, how to treat it, or do anything other than manage the symptoms.

Except now I can't use painkillers because they are probably killing my liver. So I just get to bury my head in a pillow when it gets bad.

Fun.

When the Centerpiece is moved.

Just recently, my Grandfather sold his house. He hasn't lived there in quite a while and it's honestly way too big for him. For a while my one of my Aunts and her brother my Uncle were sharing the house, but they have both moved on.
	I was more than a little sad when my mother told me the news that the house had sold. Almost every holiday memory I have before the age of 30 involves that house as the centerpiece. Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, you name it. I must have eaten a hundred hamburgers that were cooked on that grill by the back deck.
It's been a long time since the family gathered in that house to share a holiday. Things changed, us kids grew up and started families of our own and moved away. Our parents, the brothers and sisters that grew up together in that house went their own ways after that. My memories won't change, but it's still kind of sad that the centerpiece of those memories has also moved on.

Until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off due to financial constraints...

Money may be the root of all kinds of evil, but it comes in handy for things like medicine...

I have been off my meds for going on three weeks now, and that's really not good. I thought at first I could deal and save us a lot of money, but the nature of some of these is that they have to "build up" in your body to be effective. So about the time you start feeling the effects of being off of them, it will be another 2 weeks for them to build back up for you to feel the effects of being on them.

Am I making sense?

Anyway, we finally got things together to refill all these, but it will be Monday before we can get to the pharmacy. Sigh.

On top of that, our van has started acting up. I think it's just due for a check up, but I'm afraid it might be the transmission. So Monday we have to take that to the shop too. Sigh.

The good news is I didn't have any money in the stock market.

An update.

Since the last report from the neurologist I have been in a very deep dark place. I'm starting to feel better, emotionally anyway, but I'm still really deeply frustrated with this whole process. I can't help but think if I had a bucket of money or good health insurance that we could have this figured out by now. But I don't so even those who want to help me (or at least claim they do) are acting slow because I owe them a ton of money.

In the meantime, I'm still dealing with a contstant headache, random body aches and numbness (often resulting in the loss of the use of a hand or leg), and general difficulty getting around.

So now we wait.... nothing else that can be done.

Declared obsolete - left in the dust by Apple.

I have an iPod, a very generous gift from my wife and children last year (shortly after my illness took a turn for the worse and I was spending a lot of time in bed.) At the time it was the top-of-the-line model, a 5th generation video model with 30 gig of storage. Totally awesome - it still is. I use it all the time.

But now Apple has the iPod touch and the iPhone. Which is all well and good, I'm all for new technology and bigger better brighter toys. I have no intention of trading in my iPod for one, but they are cool.

The problem is the software. Both old iPods and new ones, including the iPhone, depend on Apple's proprietary program known as iTunes. iTunes is what puts all the goodies on your iThingy, movies, music, games, podcasts, etc. The latest and greatest version of iTunes (which updates automatically and you really have no control over it) was built with the iPod Touch and iPhone in mind. Older iPods just kind of have to deal. They still work, but functions that older iPod adoptors found useful suddenly don't work.

The best example I've seen is regarding podcasts. I love podcasts, news, funny videos, lectures, sermons, all kinds of good stuff. Some podcasts I have subscribed to I can't keep up with and there are many back episodes. The issue is that I used to be able to tell iTunes to only put the 5 or 10 oldest episodes on my iPod so it doesn't fill up with stuff I won't get to right away. That worked great. However, the newest verion of iTunes, without warning, disabled that function and suddenly all the space on my iPod was taken up - to the point that it crashed the poor little thing and I had to restore it- manually picking and choosing which episodes of which podcasts to put back on it.

Frustrating.

Mr. Jobs. You suck. Quit building your technology for the fanboy base and remember that those who can't or don't want to upgrade still use your toys and deserve your attention too.

Peace.

Insurance woes update.

Ok, so things are not as bad as we thought they would turn out to be.

We finally reached an agreement with the insurance company, and while it wasn't what they originally said they would do, it is a fair settlement. The only problem is we have to surrender the title and they will re-issue it as a "salvage title". My friend in the car business has assured me that it's no big deal, it basically just means we can't get full coverage on our insurance (which we didn't have anyway since this thing has over 200,000 miles on it!)

So, hopefully, we can use it to get something bigger and better. My friend that I mentioned earlier is going to check the dealer auctions for us and hopefully find us something decent.

I still stand by my previous statements that insurance companies need to be regulated, controlled, or exterminated, but even a bad business can sometimes accidentally get things right.

Yet another example of how insurance companies are evil and should be exterminated with extreme prejudice

Ok, so while back I mentioned our van got whacked. We thought the issue was all resolved with the insurance company and the check was in the mail. Turns out, that wasn't that simple. So we had to take it in for a second estimate and then they decided it's not worth fixing. So now they are talking about totalling it out instead of helping us fix it or replace. Basically, they will pay us what they think it's worth, about $100 bucks, and then they own it, leaving us vehicle-less; not taking into consideration that this is our only form of transportation, that it's intrinsic value as the way Anna gets to work, the kids get to school functions, and we get to the grocery store to get food. They don't seem to care about that, all they care about is paying the least possible. We could keep it and not take their mony, but the we have to pay to get it street safe.

Yet again, it's all about profit and not about actually helping people. We could get a lawyer, but then we have to pay him. That ain't much better.

On the positive side, we have a friend in the car business who has some fantastic connections. He has a line on a conversion van for us, but it means we have to wait for our income tax refund. Hopefully we can convince the insurance company not to bend us over until we have that on the way.

Have I mentioned that I hate people?

Ok, we we're headed into town so "T" can get to class and Anna can get to work. We live at the top of a hill and to get on the highway we have to cross two lanes and a median before getting into the third lane. By design, there is a merging lane in the median so that people who survive the crossing of the first two can stop for the 70 mph traffic that comes over the hill - usually big trucks that can't stop on a dime.

So we cross the first two lanes and as we are about to merge a big truck with a "wide load" banner on the front crests the hill. So we stop so he can pass. We stopped. We were at a dead stop. We were not moving as we watched this truck pulling a load of big pipes crested the hill. We were not moving. (As it turned out, the truck was turning onto the road we just left, but like most people in American, he thought his turn signal was just an annoying flashing light and didn't bother to turn it on... until it was too late.)

So, did I mention we were stopped, waiting for a truck we thought was going to blow past us? We were stopped, a dead stop.

And then we got SMACKED from behind. A lady (driving one of those huge pick-up trucks that only people who live on a huge farm really have any excuse to be driving) slammed into us from behind and pushed us into oncoming traffic.

Ok, it's important to note right here that no one was seriously hurt. I've go this tweaking in my neck that we will probably go see the doctor for today, but no broken bones, blood, or anything like that. In fact "L", who was snug in his car seat emitted a joyful "WHEEEE!!" when it happened.

So anyway, long story short, our tail light is gone, the back end is pretty bad, but the van is drivable. The perpatrator didn't want to wait at the scene for the police as she had to "get her kids to school" - and since there was no real damage to her humongous cattle hauling truck, she just went on. To be fair, she did give us a valid name and phone number and by the time we got home that day her insurance company was already processing a claim, so I guess she was at least decent about it. I kinda wish that when she is driving her armor plated truck that she'd be a little more respectful of people who can't afford vehicles as nice as hers.

So then, less than 24 hours after the accident, before we even have the opportunity to get anywhere to replace the light (which we can't, really, but I thin the socket still works and we can get some red tape) we get pulled over and given a ticket for having a busted tail light.

I hate people.

What do you mean, "didn't notice"...?

I don't know what's worse, not having the money to pay the phone bill or no one noticing that I haven't been able to call, email or blog.

Anyway, phone and internet are fixed, so even though you didn't miss me, I'm back.

You really can't go home again...

I don't know why, but I got the urge to search for information on my hometown. Dorchester, Nebraska. I found the link to the village's would-be news outlet, The Dorchester Times. (I have provided a permanent link on our menu to the left.)

I cried for an hour.

While the small town will always be very dear to me, being the place where I spent my "wonder years", too much is changing for me to call it home anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, change is good, especially when you are talking about the greater good, buildings need to be torn down and new rebuilt. Dorchester has been in need of a facelift for some time and I applaud those who made the decisions for positive change.

But two buildings that had a huge impact on my growing-up are gone (or at least about to be gone.) My church and my school.

Probably the one that really got to me was this picture:

in this blog post. This used to be the United Methodist Church building. If you imagine it freshly painted, with a steeple on the bell tower (where it still had a rope-pull bell to ring), beautiful stained glass in the windows, and a basement underneath that was accessed by a screen door just under bell tower, then you get the idea. Also, it sat on the edge of town surrounded by typical small-town houses, not out in the middle of a corn field waiting to be burned down. (Though it will more likely just rot away.)

While I currently belong to a different church, I always thought of this as my "home" church. There were so many parts of my life that took place here. My first job was to be the janitor here (like-wise, it was my first job to be fired from- rightly I might add!) It made me sad to see it like this. I know the new building is very nice looking (and this one was very old and cost-wise very expensive to heat and cool) I wish there were a better way to retire it. (Side note: as a youth in this church, I also got to go to Riverside Church Camp in Jr. High. The camp, too, is gone - turned into a cattle farm from what I read.)

The other thing that made me sad was the news that my school was being torn down and rebuilt - well, at least the part most of my high school classes were in. From the looks of the plans, the new school is going to be great, but I am still a little sad to see the old one go. On top of that, it looks like they are also tearing down the house next to the school - where we lived when I was in first and second grade (I think - don't remember exactly when). It was just too much to look at. I know that the old school really had to go, but it still makes me sad.

I hate to admit it, but there are times when I miss Dorchester. Life there just seemed uncomplicated. While there is some sadness associated with my teen years, there are many more fond memories, especially now when I look back on how simple things seemed to be compared to now. Not that I currently have the ability to move back there, but something inside me always thought that I'd go home, at least for a visit. Now I'm not sure I would recognize it if I did.

And that's probably for the better. I shouldn't expect the ghosts of my past to remain frozen, except in my memory. There's probably much more I can say on this subject, and probably will, but for now I just wanted to memorialize my school and my church.

May they rest in peace, and may the new buildings bring as fond of memories to those who go there now as I had when I was there.

How to torque off your fans and get richer than you are

I'm a big U2 fan, have been since the '80s. While there was a long stretch where I couldn't afford to expand my collection,  I eventually made up for it and have a rather nice collection.

Their most recent release is no less than their 3rd greatest hits album. Along with all the old songs are three new ones. Guess what? The only way to get those three songs is to buy the album. Fans like me already have all the old songs, we really don't want to buy them again. So there's ITunes, where you can buy single songs if you want. But guess what? The only way to get these new songs is to buy the whole album on ITunes!

Frigging ridiculous. Let's just keep re-releasing the same songs over and over and making a buck off the fans. Throw in a couple new ones and they'll have no choice except to buy it. GAH!

The good news is that the band is rumored to be angry enough at this latest make-a-buck move by their record label to jump ship. (Unconfirmed, Google it if you like - I hope it's true.) If not, then I will lose respect for the band. For a group that professes such a deep commitment to world-changing causes, lining their own pockets which are already pretty nicely lined would just be hypocritical.

I did nothing to bring this upon myself...

My good friend Adam posted this link on his blog (See "Igneous Quill" to the left). I am sick to death of hearing about this perversion of the gospel and I thank Adam for providing this link and others on the topic.

http://www.christianstandard.com/articledisplay.asp?id=597

God will bless those He chooses to bless, He will heal those He chooses to heal. My illness is not a result of my lack of faith. My financial problems are not a result of not claiming wealth. If this so called prosperity gospel is true, why are those who are teaching it the only ones getting rich? Why isn't Joel Osteen's church bursting with millionaires? If health is a matter of faith, why is Billy Graham dying? (Some may argue, "well, he hasn't claimed healing, his faith isn't strong enough" - that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.) I don't see any miracles of Jesus where He healed someone of poverty. I see no parables where He says we will be wealthy in this life.

And while I'm on the topic, isn't wealth relative? As an American who owns 3 televisions and 4 computers, I am wealthy, by comparison to 99% of the rest of the world. But, since I live in a country that is dependent on the automobile, corporatized retail, and institutionalized medicine, I am seen by those around me as poor, because I don't have enough money to keep gas in my car and pay my doctor bills. So what kind of wealth are these people talking about? The wealth of a villager in the middle of Africa who lives in a grass hut, but has many chickens and cattle (basically, everything he needs)? Or the wealth of Donald Trump (basically WAY more than he needs)?

I am dealing with this unknown thing that is slowly causing my body - specifically, I believe, my nervous system - to deteriorate. I pray daily for healing. Since I can't work, I spend much time studying the scriptures and listening to radio and podcast teachings (usually critiquing what is being said!) Does this show a lack of faith that has caused me to be sick? I am no way claiming that my faith is greater than anyone else's, I'm simply saying that I strive to practice and live my faith. My faith has nothing to do with my health or finances.

Thanks, Adam. I look forward to your future posts on this topic.

A brief update

Well, we're still looking at moving, but things are looking a little brighter. This isn't the ideal situation for us, but it's come to be the only option. We've gotten financing for a house - a trailer to be exact. I know it's not the best long term investment, but neither is renting.

The good news is, if we get it all lined up, it will be cheaper in the long run because between the house and the land it will be less than we are paying for rent right now. The bad news is, we need $5000 down, plus the deposit on the land, plus pay for all the hook ups. So, total moving in we're looking at closer to $6000.

The good news is, we have some money coming in. My disability is changing from short term to long term and I should be getting the last short term and the first long term checks at the same time, so between the two, that's about 2000. Also, since my employment status is changed to "inactive", they will close out my 401K, that's about 2700. So, that gets us most of the way there. But the bad news is, it's not all the way there. And if we use all that, that doesn't leave us anything to live on.

So, please be in prayer for us that we can pull this off. We're looking into some options to get a little extra money. If we have anything you might want to buy, please give me a call!

Can I just explode for a moment? Then I'll be ok.

Ok, so some of you have heard by now, but others we haven't talked to in a while, so let me catch you up.

What promised to be another "normal" day (that is, me sitting around trying to deal with my chronic pain, the kids saying 'I'm bored, I'm bored' and Anna counting the seconds until school starts) - turned out to be the emotional equivalent of a punch in the gut.

The phone rang at about 8:30am. It was our land lord. Not in itself any real surprise, they do call us now and then just to check in, but that's not what they wanted today. "We hate to do this", the voice on the line said, "but we need you to move out by August first, we need the house back." Then the floor folded up and the world turned inside out.

We'd come to find out later that they are having "family issues" and that someone who is "like a son" would be moving in. Also, they are mortgaging the property and using the money to help him with his problems. But, out of the kindness of their hearts (though only time will tell if that's true), they said we could use July's rent to help us get into a new place.

This is where I got mad, something I am not prone to do. And not just mad, fuming, furious, punching the wall and throwing things mad. What about me? What about my problems? What about my finances? What about my kids who really are my kids and not just "like my kids"?

The problem is, we don't really have a legal leg to stand on. Our lease agreement is month to month and in New Mexico they only need to give tenants 30 days notice. It's their house, they can do what they want with it. Now, granted, they didn't give it to us in writing, and if we wanted to push it, we could. But, then they would just push back that we didn't pay our rent in July (we didn't get that in writing either). Either way, if we went before a judge, they wouldn't put seven kids and a handicapped father out on the street, unless we had a place to go, but we really don't want to go that far. We want to do the right thing, we want to do the better thing, we want to do the Christ-like thing.

So, we're looking. We're scrimping, saving, scrounging. We're calling everyone we can call, we're checking every lead we can check. We're going to every agency we can find, calling every charitable organization we have a number for. So far we haven't found anything. Nothing. Bupkiss. Nothing to rent, nothing to buy, nothing. Not that there's not anything out here, but they're either too small (1-2 bedrooms) or just barely big enough (3 bedrooms) but ridiculously expensive (a single wide trailer, squeezed into a lot that doesn't even leave room to park your car for $1500 a month). Really, I'm not kidding. If we could buy, though, there's a ton of places, but we would need a down payment, which is a lot more than July's rent.

What should we do now? I don't know. When I think about it, my head hurts more than it already does, I see red and I want to break something. Right now everything is up in the air. My disability insurance may be ending, which means I'll need to go to Social Security, and who knows how long that will take. Anna is working at the church, but she barely makes enough to cover our current rent. We keep looking for options, we keep talking about the options we have. Do we try super hard to stay in this area? Is New Mexico really worth going through a lot of hard work to find a place to live? Or do we give up and go back to the midwest? At what point do we conclude we've done all we can to stay here and then go back? I'm just so tired and in pain and angry and frustrated and I don't know what else.

We want to do the right thing. Not just for us, but for them. We understand that our land-lords are trying to do what they believe is right for their family. Maybe that's an inconvenience for our family, but we trust that if we trust and pray and do the Christ-like thing, then our needs will be met. Maybe that's naive, but my faith won't let me do otherwise.

So, if anyone out there has any suggestions, a place to rent in New Mexico, or a large sum of money they can loan us, then let me know.

Various rambles...

An update, kinda sorta....

I wish I had something real to report, but I don't. We've done more tests on my heart and the arteries in my neck, with no results worth mentioning. We saw the neurologist again and he basically said there's nothing he can do for me. We asked for a second opinion, but can't get in to see THAT doctor until August.

She's gragiated now!

We have a few pictures and stuff from Tasha's gradution that we will post as soon as we can. We're still kind of recovering as it was really an exhausting ride. But we got her through it, finally! Now we just need to get her driving, a job and and all set up at college.

Summa-time

Well, the kids are all home now, and we're ready to kill them. I swear, if I hear one more time "I'm Bored", I'm going to take every toy, every video game, every computer (except mine) and throw them out the freaking window into the front yard and have me a big ol' bon fire!

All they want to do is play video games. Now I don't have a problem with video games, I play them myself. But I don't think anyone should be on them for hours and hours a day every day all summer long. I mean, we've got a whole library of books in our house, not to mention a huge yard to play in, bikes to ride, all that junk. Get off yer butt and do something!

Cross posting this one

I wrote this up and thought it was worth sharing with everyone. It's long, so I'm not going to post it all here, but I needed to vent my frustration.

Response to ABC Nightline Debate - "Cameron vs. Atheists"

Too long

It's been way too long since I've posted. Sorry. There have been many times I thought, "I should blog something about that", but honestly it's just been too much. Way too much, to sort through and find something that made sense in my head to put in writing.

In light of shootings and war and natural disasters, my meaningless ramblings seemed trivial. I know that I set this up for family to hear about the kids and so on, but every day it seemed like something else in the world that made what I have to say and share seem stupid and idiotic.

But, like everyone, I guess it's time to put things behind me. Everyone else seems to have moved on. Oh, there's still a news story now and then, but for the most part they're back to talking about Brittney in rehab and Paris in jail. So all is right(?) with the world again.

So why am I still angry? Why do I want to find the NBC execs who decided to air that "manifesto" so soon after the shootings at VT and punch them in the face? Why do I want to go to Capitol Hill and collectively bash Congress' and the Presidents heads together and tell them to get along and fix this war thing already? Why does the fact that our Governer is running for President just turn my stomach and make me want to vomit right in his stupid cowboy hat?

There, I vented it. I still don't feel any better, but at least maybe someone out there can sympathize with what I'm saying. You want to do something, you at least want to say something, but anything "normal" people like us say or do doesn't make a lick of difference, so all we can do is go back to our life and hobbies and personal issues and pray for those who can make a difference.

I don't know what to say.

I feel like it's time to do another post, but I really don't know what to say. The holidays are just too much. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. The good news is I have some vacation time that I'm using this week, the bad news is that it's really not helping. The longer I'm off work, the more tired I feel. Worse, I'm depressed to the point of immobility.

I've broken down and gotten back on medication. The good thing about that is that even though I consider Wal-Mart to be the worst place to work, they sell prescriptions for only 4 bucks. Previously without insurance, it would cost me about $70 a month. The money has never really been the issue, but 4 bucks vs. 70... I'll take it.

But I've talked enough about depression on here that you really don't want to hear it. But like any disease, like cancer or diabetes, it becomes part of the definition of who you are. But, also like any disease, you can't let it BE who you are. You are more than your disease. It's part of you, but it's not who you are. Who would I be if I didn't have this disease? Who am I since I do have this disease? So I talk about it because I have it, no because I AM it.

Fun for the new year

Now it's a new year. Christmas redefined our home by bringing 2 new video game systems into our house. (Anna and I didn't get them, our generous friends bought them.) But now we are all video game addicts. All of us. Now the trick is to bargain for video game time. "if you do this, you can have this many minutes". It's amazing how quickly the house is getting clean.