Ok, so I may not have the debilitating, crippling kind of clinical depression that other people have. My disease, as of yet, has not rendered me non-functional like others, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle, that doesn't mean that I don't suffer. If one more person tells me that I need to have more faith, that I need to just look at a sunset or think happy thoughts, I'm going to have to kill them.
I wish there were another word to differentiate the medical condition from the emotional state. Being sad because your dog died is not depression. Being stressed because you lost your job is not depression. Losing your money in a bad stock market trade is not depression. Now, all these things are bad and mess you up, but please, understand, the medical condition we call depression is NOT caused by something that happened to you externally, though external factors can trigger an "episode" of the medical condition.
Clinical depression is like... well, I can not really explain it. The closest I can come to describing it is like the emotional equivalent of standing on the edge of a very deep hole. You're standing there, looking down and all you see is blackness. You're frozen, afraid to move because you'll fall into the hole and you'll just keep falling and falling. It's like listening to a sad song, one of those you might hear on the country station about three wooden crosses or something like that, one of those that makes everyone cry. Anyway, you're listening and you feel the tears starting to come, but you're afraid to give in and cry because once you start crying you won't be able to stop. You're afraid that if you give in to the sadness it will consume you.
So what am I doing about it? Well, not really anything. Sometimes it does get to the point that I need to get on meds. I know some people need to be taking Prozac or something else all their life, but I don't like the side effects so I try to do without them. Maybe that's dangerous, but I feel that is what is best for now. I have learned to recognize the "episodes" and know that it is just the effects of my disease and not something I need to act on. Also, my wife has learned to see them as well and helps me "disconnect" before it gets worse.
Please understand, it's not a character flaw, it's not a lack of faith or something to just get over, it's a condition, like male pattern baldness or the shape of your ears. Don't tell me to think happy thoughts, don't tell me to just look at a beautiful sunset or to pray more. If you see me getting bad, help me by not helping me. Tell me you think I'm having a bad day. Whatever you do don't tell me to light up.
I will have to punch you in the mouth.
